Menyegarkan pikiran di Dufan

Dua bulan terakhir saya kembali tinggal di Jakarta, setelah hampir dua tahun tinggal di Flagtstaff. Sebuah tempat yang selalu saya anggap sebagai rumah. Sejak dua tahun lalu, saya selalu merasa Flagstaff bukanlah rumah. Flagstaff hanya tempat singgah saja. Tempat saya belajar dan saya pasti akan pulang, ke Jakarta. Seperti lagu saja ya..

Ke Jakarta aku kan kembali..

Kata orang, konsep rumah akan berubah setelah kita pergi merantau. Di tempat rantau, kita melihat dan merasakan kondisi yang berbeda dari biasanya. Kultur baru, orang-orang baru, lokasi baru, semua baru. Pelajaran dari hal-hal baru itulah yang membuat kita berubah, termasuk saya. Buat saya, perubahan itu adalah keniscayaan. Diny yang sekarang, bukan Diny seperti dua tahun lalu. Walau banyak juga sih hal-hal dasar yang masih sama. Di sisi lain, rumah juga berubah. Selama saya tidak di rumah, banyak hal yang terjadi, sehingga konsep rumah pun (mau tidak mau) tidak lagi sama.

Kembali pulang ke rumah, bukan hal yang ringan. Barangkali apa yang saya alami juga banyak dialami oleh orang-orang yang habis merantau. Dua tahun lalu, saya butuh 6 bulan untuk adaptasi belajar tentang perbedaan kultur. Sekarang, tentunya harus belajar lagi untuk menghadapi reversed culture shock.

Buat saya, dua bulan terakhir ini cukup berat. Saya harus kembali beradaptasi dengan ritme kehidupan di Jakarta. Flagstaff adalah kota kecil yang indah. Dekat dengan alam, tidak ada polusi udara, dan tidak ada polusi cahaya yang bikin saya bisa lihat milky way hampir setiap hari, jarak antara rumah dan kampus juga sangat dekat. Tempat yang sempurna untuk belajar. Tempo kehidupan di Flagstaff relatif lambat. Berbeda sekali dengan di Jakarta. Sekarang ini tempo hidup saya terasa cepat sekali dan melelahkan. Bangun dini hari, siap-siap, berangkat ke kantor, penuh sesak di kereta, bekerja hingga sore, penuh sesak di kereta (lagi), lalu sampai rumah sudah tinggal tersisa lelahnya saja. Napas pun sulit akibat polusi yang begitu pekat. Dulu sebelum kuliah, saya juga mengalami ini sih, tapi setelah Flagstaff, kok terasa lebih berat ya hehehe. Namanya juga masa penyesuaian ya?

Polusi Jakarta yang sangat pekat
Kehidupan sebagai pelajar tentunya sangat berbeda dengan kehidupan sebagai pekerja. Waktu sekolah, saya bisa santai belajar seharian tentang topik apapun yang saya inginkan. Sekarang setelah bekerja, saya harus belajar sesuai dengan kebutuhan kantor, walau akhirnya sih jadi belajar keahlian baru juga ya. Apalagi pekerjaan baru saya ini berbeda dari pekerjaan saya sebelum kuliah S2. Dulu saya bekerja di universitas, sekarang di LSM. Hal yang dikerjakan juga berbeda. Saya sih senang-senang saja dengan perubahan ini. Senang bisa belajar skill baru, yang pasti akan terpakai di masa depan. Seru deh.

Perbedaan lainnya yang paling terasa adalah soal makanan Indonesia. Tiga bulan terakhir di Flagstaff, saya sering merasa homesick. Homesick­-nya bukan karena kangen keluarga, karena kangen dengan keluarga bisa diobati dengan telepon. Rasa kangen yang menjadi-jadi itu ya karena kangen makanan Indonesia. Beberapa kali saya murung saking kangennya makan makanan Indonesia. Apalagi di Flagstaff tidak ada restoran Indonesia, yang paling mirip ya paling restoran Thailand. Begitu sampai di Jakarta dan kembali makan makanan Indonesia, semua makanan yang saya makan jadi terasa lebih enak dua kali lipat. Saya benar-benar rindu dengan masakan yang penuh cita rasa rempah Indonesia.

Teman-teman saya yang dari Amerika kurang bisa relate sama homesick karena makanan ini. Kebanyakan mereka sudah terbiasa dari kecil makan masakan seadanya di rumah dan relatif bukan makanan khas. Saya baru sadar kalau makanan itu bagian besar dari kultur saya sebagai orang Indonesia. Kalau selama ini saya take it for granted, sekarang saya lebih menikmati dan bersyukur bisa makan masakan Indonesia tanpa harus masak. Hehe

Banyak hal yang berubah di Jakarta. Sekarang sudah ada MRT, transjakarta sudah punya banyak sekali rutenya, banyak jalan protokol ada trotoar lebar, jembatan penyebrangan lebih mumpuni, dan sebagainya. Walau Jakarta masih macet, masih penuh polusi udara. Saya juga baru sadar kalau Jakarta itu bising sekali. Semua orang jalan cepat, banyak orang murung, orang-orang mudah marah atau reaktif terhadap suatu hal. Ke mana pun saya pergi, hampir semua orang selalu memegang dan menyibukkan diri dengan telepon selular mereka, termasuk saya.

Sore hari di Stasiun Sudirman. Orang-orang berwajah murung bersatu padu di dalam kereta api.
Jakarta dengan segala kesibukannya dan sejuta perubahannya, terasa sangat berbeda dibanding dahulu sebelum saya sekolah. Barangkali juga karena saya yang sudah berubah. Dengan semua perubahan ini, sekarang saya masih berusaha kerasan kembali tinggal di tempat yang saya kira adalah rumah. Entah sampai kapan. Bahkan saya masih tidak tau seperti apa definisi rumah untuk saya saat ini.

Saya tidak tau akan seperti apa perjalanan hidup saya beberapa waktu mendatang. Tapi saya yakin, akan banyak hal baru yang saya pelajari di sini. Hingga mungkin suatu saat nanti, saya bisa merantau lagi lalu belajar banyak hal baru lagi di tempat yang lain.

Selamat menikmati Jakarta.

xoxo,
Diny

Me fooling around at the Joshua Tree National Park

The main change that I experienced during the fellowship program is a newfound ability to understand myself and to practice self-love. Before I came to the US, I was not entirely confident in myself. I became overwhelmed with all of the new things that I experienced in the US, including a new culture, a new style of academic life, forming friendships with people from different cultures, and living far away from home and family. Those things were not easy to deal with, mainly because I did not fully understand how to handle the stress that came with those challenges.

I found it difficult to keep up with schoolwork as I did not completely understand what my peers or professors were saying in my classes. I thought my knowledge of English was sufficient until I came here and realized that it was not. Living in an English speaking environment full-time was tough. I was upset and felt terrible because I thought I was not smart enough to be here and survive. In addition, cultural differences between the US and Indonesia are quite significant. I found it difficult to make new friends, especially with Americans. Also, at the same time, I experienced some personal problems that drained all the strength that I have left.

For a time, I could not sleep at night, which made me very sleepy and have a lack of energy. Again, I blamed myself for not being capable of solving problems both in my academic and personal life. I hated myself and felt depressed. As a consequence, I did not perform well in school.

However, after some time, I realized that my self-blame is a form of self-harm that I could not tolerate. I had to find a way to make things better and adapt to my challenges. I realized that blaming myself and having self-pity all the time was not helpful. I started journaling, reading self-help books, and seeking professional help at the health center to handle my depression. I gradually learned to love myself. I tried to not compare myself to other students’ accomplishments. I could only compare me to my past achievements, and not to anyone else’s. I no longer tell myself harmful words. I now try to be kind and only speak kind words. I have learned what works and what does not work for maintaining my lovely self.

Over time, this new mindset indeed worked. Now, I know myself better. I know how to love myself and handle stress. As a result I can focus on solving problems. If I find it hard to understand material in a class, I now ask professors or study harder. I do not blame myself anymore, because it is ok to not know everything. When I found it hard to write in English, that challenge is also ok. Even my friends that have been using English as their first language also find writing difficult. I now know how to make friends with Americans. I now appreciate the differences between Indonesian and American culture. Eventually, I know that having difficulties does not mean that I am a failure. I can always do something to find a way of solving my problems. If I cannot find solutions, I now know where to seek help. Developing this understanding and accepting my imperfections helps me to focus on the important stuff.

I choose self-love as the most important change that I learned during the fellowship because it affects all parts of my life. It helps me to make appropriate decisions, solve problems, and focus on my priorities. Self-love is a crucial basic skill set which I can use for both academic and personal life. I now lead a more effective personal and professional life by not inflicting self-harm. Being far away from home and experiencing cultural differences may not easy. Ultimately, I will always be better off by working as hard as I can and by being okay with the way things are.
A beautiful sunset a day before my thesis defense

Dua hari lalu seorang sahabat menanyakan kepada saya perihal blog post yang berjudul Things Keeps Me Sane. Salah satu pertanyaan yang dilontarkan adalah secara teknis, bagaimana berbicara yang baik kepada diri sendiri. Pertanyaan yang sangat menarik dan buat saya, ini bagian terpenting dari proses penyembuhan diri yang saya alami satu setengah tahun terakhir.
Saya jadi pengen cerita, kayak gimana sih maksudnya berbicara yang baik kepada diri sendiri..

Mendengarkan diri sendiri
Kita mesti lebih sadar tentang apa yang kita pikirkan terhadap suatu hal. Apakah pikiran itu negatif atau positif. Kadang kita mikir aja gitu tapi tanpa kesadaran bahwa kita berpikiran buruk. Kita bisa istirahat sejenak, fokus, dan identifikasi apa sih yang kita rasakan dan pikirkan. Ini mungkin hal pertama yang bisa kita lakukan. Menyadari apa yang kita pikirkan dan sadar bahwa pikiran buruk tidak baik untuk diri kita sendiri.

Identifikasi kekuatan diri
Dulu saya ini jahat banget ke diri saya sendiri. Saya jauh lebih tau apa kekurangan diri saya daripada kelebihannya. Lalu saya berproses untuk mengidentifikasi apa sih kelebihan-kelebihan yang saya punya. Ini proses yang ngga gampang buat saya, karena ya balik lagi, saya ngga terbiasa melihat hal baik dari diri saya sendiri. Setelah berproses, sekarang ini saya sudah bisa mengidentifikasi dan punya mantra buat diri sendiri, yaitu..
I am such a cool person. I have a good health. I almost get a master’s degree. I appreciate art, I can enjoy my time doing watercolor and my works are pretty beautiful! I am such a loving person. I have sooo many love that I want to share to my family and friends. I am highly compassionate, and I am proud of that. I really love my family and friends. I love taking care of them. I like to spend time with my close circles. When we had problems, I reached out to them. I am able to forgive and forget, which are hard, but I managed to do that most of the time. Those are cool and not so many people want to do that. I am able to do lots of things! I can play guitar a lil bit. I can cook great food. I am doing so many great things and I am wonderful. I like my hair. I like my skin. I like my clothes. My forehead is wide, but I love it. It showed my roots and looks good on me. I love my family. I love my best friends. I have sooo many dreams. I think I am complete as a person.
Hahaha ya gitulah. Bodo amat dibilang lebay.
Ada video keren tentang ini:


I literally did this. Hahaha.


Identifikasi masalah dan fokus ke solusi yang dapat dicapai
Contoh ya (dan ini beneran kejadian), misal pembimbing thesis saya bilang tulisan saya setara anak S1, bukan S2. Gampangnya, saya bilang ke diri saya:
Tuh kan Din. Sotoy sih pake S2 di luar negeri. Tulisan lo jelek. Masa gitu aja ga bisa sih. Banyak loh yang mau kuliah di luar negeri dan jauh lebih pinter dari lo. Lo tuh ga bersyukur banget ya udah kuliah di sini, tapi masih aja ga perform. Dodol banget. Otaknya dipake dong, jangan cuma diem aja. Gitu aja masa ngga bisa sih.
Dalam kehidupan nyata, mungkin banyak juga ya orang yang mikir kayak gitu kepada orang lain. Buat saya, kalo kamu punya temen yang suka ngomong jahat kayak gitu ke kamu, tinggalin atau jauhin. Nah apalagi ke diri sendiri kaan, jangan jahat. Jangan sampe pikiran racun diri kita sendiri menjatuhkan mental kita. Jadi waktu itu, saya bilang ke diri saya sendiri..
Diny, writing is hard, even for a native. They speak English for their whole life and still find it hard to write things. You made it here, which means you have qualities and super lucky. You can do better. You have skills. You just have to spend more time to write and rewrite, edit, edit, and edit. You got it Diny! You can do it. It won’t be easy, but you can do it. Just do it. You are capable of doing all of these.
Gitu aja terus sampe saya bisa fokus ke melakukan solusi, bukan ngatain diri saya sendiri.

Kasih hadiah kepada diri sendiri
Saya kalau pergi ke suatu tempat, pasti mikirnya: ih A pasti suka gadget ini deh, beli ah buat A; ini kan aroma favorit si B, beli ah essential oil buat B. Apakah pada saat yang sama saya berpikir tentang apa yang saya suka? Jarang. Pasti orang lain dulu yang kepikiran. Ketika ke toko buku, saya inget si C. Ke toko asesoris rambut, inget si D, beli buat mereka. Tapi kalau beli buat diri sendiri pasti bilangnya sayang ah uangnya.

Now I am trying to be a good friend to myself. Kalau saya mikir kesukaan orang lain, saya juga berpikir apa yang saya suka dari tempat ini. Kalau saya beli oleh-oleh buat teman, saya juga harus beli untuk diri saya sendiri. Kalau bisa ngga sayang uangnya untuk orang lain, kenapa ngga buat diri sendiri?
--
Ini contoh-contoh kecil yang sangat berarti buat saya. Bodo amat orang lain mikirnya saya sejelek apa, asalkan saya sayang sama diri saya sendiri, I will be able to do anything in this world.

Jangan biarkan pikiran kita sendiri mempengaruhi kita untuk hal negatif. Kita punya kontrol atas apa yang kita pikirkan. Kalau kita sudah terbisa menyayangi diri dengan berkata yang baik, kita akan bisa melakukan segalanya dan kita berhak merasakan/mendapatkan itu semua.

OK, now, say it with me..
I love my self. I am capable of things. I know who I am and I am enough.
--
Cheers for a beautiful journey!

Diny

xoxo
After several months of struggling with my thesis, I finally passed my thesis defense!

My thesis defense was awesome. I started my day with Taylor Swift's new song, ME!. That song resonated with me as I embracing my individuality and having fun with my self. I took a shower while listening to 'Dance It Out' playlist from my Spotify. I danced and sang and jumped around. I wore dark blue kebaya, blue batik shirt, and a brooch. I had leftover Chinese food for breakfast, with a pinch of boncabe on the fried rice. After I had breakfast, my roommate helped me to blow-dry my hair. Then, I packed my stuff while waiting for a friend who will pick me up. I went to school at around 10 am.

Kebaya set that I choose last year.
The sun shines brightly. The blue skies and little cloud welcomed me to enjoyed that day. I arrived at school and met my advisor. He wore a blue shirt! We were color coordinated beautifully. I had lunch with him and my labmates. Then went to the defense room. I prepared my stuff while listening to some Indonesian traditional music. I am happy a lot of my friends come to the defense.

Me and Pete

The time has come. Pete introduced me, I was just standing in front of the audience with my wide smile. I can't help myself to smile. I am excited, nervous, and happy. Then, I started my presentation. I was a little nervous in the first part. Sometimes I forgot what to say. I took a breath, smiled, and talked again. Haha. I just can't help to smile when I messed up. I finished my presentation after maybe around 45 minutes as I planned. There were a couple of questions.


soo serious
After I finished my presentation, I took pictures with my friends. I went to room 102 for the defense. My committee member asked questions. There were several questions that I can't answer, but overall it went well. After two hours, they asked me to go out of the room. I waited for 5-10 minutes at the atrium. I wanted to go pee, but I don't want to go to the restroom before I passed my defense. After some time, Pete asked me to go back to room 102. He announced that I passed my defense!! Yay!! What a day!

Me and all my committee members
Me with IndoMafia and Lori

I was super duper stressful last semester. But, this semester I tried to enjoy it more. Sometimes, I felt hopeless and upset with my self. That's normal. Most of the time I really really enjoy the process. It was so much fun!

I feel like defense is a final party, to celebrate all the efforts I spent these past months. The party was a blast. I learned a lot of things, happy, and fulfilled.

I am proud of my self.

:)
For the love of plants :)

Setelah berbulan-bulan pusing menulis, akhirnya thesis saya selesai juga! Walau belum sepenuhnya selesai sih, masih harus menunggu revisi dari 2 dosen pembimbing lainnya. Namun saya senang sekali, karena berhasil mengumpulkan draft thesis tepat satu hari sebelum hari ulang tahun saya! Saya jadi bisa merayakan ulang tahun dengan tenang. Yay!

Ulang tahun kali ini saya rayakan bersama teman-teman di Flagstaff. Saya masak masakan Indonesia dan mengumpulkan semua teman saya di sini. Ada 5 menu masakan: nasi kuning, rendang, dadar telur, tumis buncis wortel, dan tempe kecap. Semua untuk sekitar 20-25 orang. Ngga nyangka juga hampir semua teman dekat saya datang, mungkin sekitar 20 orang. Jadi ngga berasa lelah masak seharian. Hehe

Kami makan bareng dan ngobrol-ngobrol seru. Semua kenyang dan senang!

Oiya, makan-makan bareng ini saya bikin satu hari sebelum hari ulang tahun saya, yaitu hari Jumat. Setiap first Friday, downtown Flagstaff biasanya seru banyak pameran seni dan pertunjukan musik. Jadinya, habis makan-makan di rumah, kami pergi ke downtown untuk nonton live music di Monte Vista. Seru!

Esokan harinya, saya pergi ke toko pepohonan, Warner’s Nursery. Makin-makin rasa senengnya! Saya suka sekali pepohonan, tapi di sini saya ngga punya taman maupun tetumbuhan. Main ke nursery bikin kekangenan saya terhadap pepohanan terobati. Kado ulang tahun yang sangat menyenangkan!

Indoor plants section
















Nursery ini relatif besar. Mereka mengelompokkan pepohonan berdasarkan cara mengurus tanamannya. Ada tanaman indoor, pot-pot gemes, bebijian, tanaman yang butuh naungan, tanaman yang butuh sinar matahari langsung, berbagai pinus, dan tumbuhan buah-buahan. Bahkan mereka punya ruangan khusus untuk workshop dan juga kafe kecil. Jadi pengen deh punya toko tanaman kayak begini! Bagus banget.

Favorit saya bagian indoor plants. Soalnya banyak tanaman yang dulu saya tanam di rumah. Terus ada yang lucu, mereka jualan putri malu loh! Hahaha padahal di Indonesia, putri malu kan jadi hama.

Selain itu, tentunya bebungaan yang super cantik. Warnanya beragam sekali. Walau biasanya bebunganan gini tumbuhnya sebentar. Paling pas musim semi dan musim panas aja. Tapi tetep gemes banget dong tentunyaa!

jualan tanaman putri malu juga dong haha
bebungaan penuh warna
I be-leaf in your gardening abilities.


Ih pokoknya nanti kalau sudah balik pulang ke Indonesia, saya mau banget berkebun lagi.

Sekian cerita perayaan ulang tahun yang sederhana dan santai tapi sangat bermakna buat saya. Berkumpul dengan teman-teman dan bermain dengan tetumbuhan. Senangnya <3

I am grateful for having the power to decide what kind of life I really want. It is such a privilege to be able to genuinely honest with my self about what I want and what I feel.

It is cool to let myself feels whatever feelings that I have, without any pretension to anyone. 

I am grateful that I could let my self be vulnerable, but still know my limits. I still have my head above water, most of the time. I am okay with the fact that I cannot have all the things I wanted to have. 

I am now kind of understand, other people's feeling is not my responsibility. Some people may hate me or unhappy with me, I will still be me and care about them as long as I want. 

I am so grateful I have a great circle of kind people who always remind me that I have a good life and what other people's said will not define me as a person. I am the one who defines my own self. And I am thankful for those. 

I know it won't be easy all the time. There will be ups and down. There will be hard times. There will be good times. That is how life should be. 

I am grateful for life.
Things will get better, and the sunshine will come again.

I can't believe it is almost the end of 2018.

This year has been a very hard year for me. I experienced rough moments that made me lose my way and lose my identity. At some point this year, I didn't even know who I am anymore. What I really want in this life, why I am here right now, where I want to go in the future. I just don't know.

However, thankfully, I managed to get better. I realized even though this year was hard, I have the best year to learn the most essential thing in my life: my self! I got hurt, I was broken, but I get up, stand strong, and survive.

So, I will write down things that keep me sane this year. Things that I learned in a hard way. I hope if I go through a tough phase again in the future, I could reread this post and know what should I do. Here they are..

1. Know and love my self better
It has always been easier for me to look at other people's strengths because basically, I like people. They are all good and kind and have some interesting part of their life. My friend said it was naive, as I only see the good thing and reject to see the negative part. In contrast, I didn't have the same perspective to myself. Sometimes I forget why I am a good person in general.
So, what keeps me sane? First thing first, I changed my viewpoint to my self. I focused on good things within my life, my attitude, my action, and my thought. I acknowledge the bad thing, but I keep in mind that I will work on it one by one and it is totally normal to have flaws or make mistakes. It makes us human. I learn to love my self better because it is the only way to keep me sane and moving on to be a better human.

2. Listen to cool music
I've never been a good music listener until this year. Well, even until now, I'm still kinda music illiterate. Haha. Nevertheless, this year I listen to music more than I used to be. I usually listen to acoustic, ballads, lo-fi, upbeat, or random song which have beautiful lyrics. So I can stop listening to all of the demons in my head. Those demons keep running on and on and on. I really really hated it. The music keeps my head busy and I could run away from those demons.

3. Writing my thoughts
In another time when music didn't help, I wrote down things that keep buzzing my head. I wrote down everything, even a tiny details. I wrote it in a book or sometimes on my phone. It feels so good to let out the negative thoughts from my mind. It feels great too to write positive minds for my self. When I had a better day, I will look back and reread things that I wrote. It does help to know if I am getting better or not. Somehow I could look at my own progress and see how things could get better over the time.

4. Talking to best friends
I am lucky enough to have best friends who are only a phone call away. Some of them live far away, some of them are around. Sometimes when I feel down, I texted them or call them. I remember one time, I had a terrible night. I knew I could get a major panic attack if I didn't do something. So, I called my best friend right away and talked to her for almost 1.5 hours. She keeps me alive. I didn't have a panic attack that night, which was great. The other day, I felt so down without knowing why. I let my best friend know then he took me home. We had a random weird talk, laughing together about silly stuff, and eating together. Then, voila! Things got better.

5. Talk nicely to my self
We tend to be harder for our own self. We criticized our self to some point where we will never do it to other people. I try to change it. I try to be there for my self. Encourage my self. Be a loving partner for my thought. I try to change "I can't handle this" into "You got it!", or "I can't keep up" into "I know it is hard for me but I am trying my best and work hard for it". Something like that.

6. Let my self felling a hard time
Sometimes when I had a mental breakdown phase, I just let my self feel everything. I think it helped me to let out all my emotions. I let it go by opening the door for it. I cried. I froze like a zombie. I didn't talk to everyone. I didn't do anything. I just feel what I feel like I want to do. After the phase passed, I suddenly get better! But, I prefer to avoid factors that could lead me into breakdowns then to experience breakdown itself. Mental breakdown is very weird and sucks! I don't like it at all.

7. Give my self-space from negative or judgmental people
There are certain people who will always point out the flaws in you. Whatever you say, whatever you do, they will know the bad side of your life. I try to love myself enough to let go this kind of people. I already have demons in my head, I don't need to add bad things to my self. Bye!

8. Get a sleeping routine
I work more effectively and efficiently during the day when the sunlight is still around. For me, night time is much harder than during the day. Then, I set my sleeping schedule. I always try to be in my bed around 9 pm and sleep around 10 pm. I woke up around 5 or 6 am in the morning. At least, I could get 7-8 hours of sleep per night. I read it somewhere, when we go through a hard phase, it is good to have a good night sleep. Also, I better sleep tight than having a mental breakdown! Hahaha.

9. Getting professional help
At the end of this year, I finally decided to seek professional help. It wasn't as easy as I thought tho. The clinic on campus was fully booked until the semester ends. The counselor outside campus either can't accept my health insurance or can't accept a new patient. So, even though I have a will to seek professional help, it is not as easy as it seems. In the end, I got an appointment with the counselor on campus and I felt much better after I talked to them.

***

Being at an unfortunate time in your life is not easy at all. And people take it differently. Some people may get hit harder than other people. It is totally okay to have a hard time and struggling with it. Feel it. Let yourself know how it feels like. Then, let yourself heal. You deserve to be better and get better. It may take time, but as long as you are trying, you are great!

I hope you are always healthy inside out, but if you are not, I hope you let yourself heal and get better.

Cheers to good things in life!

xoxo

March, 2018

Since I was a little kid, I was well known as a clumsy child. Every time I borrow something from my parents, most likely it will be broken or missing.

I thought that phase was over after I got married. I started to make sure I wont lose my keys, try to clean up my own mess, and get things done. I felt like at some point I became a better person who never loses house keys and can take care of my stuff.

Apparently, that is only the fake Diny. I am still clumsy Diny who easily to broke things. Everything is just another failure. I am a mess.

My friend said this phase will pass. I will be OK. I am doing great. Sooner or later everything will be better.

---

November, 2018

Wow wow wow, that was tough. How broken you were, lady. But hey, you're still here stand strong. Yes, you will be okay darling. You're as strong as you are. Now you grow older and hopefully wiser, you can handle all of your problems. Even if you're not, your family and friends will always be there for you. Always.

If you make a decision that you think will be best for you and your condition, don't feel bad about it. It is you that is important in your life. Think about your feeling first, before you think about someone else's feeling. Nobody can save yourself accept you. From now and then, learn to count on your self. You should be there for yourself. Even if anybody else says they could be there for you, but you need you, not them. Don't run from yourself. Love yourself better, before you love somebody else.

You got this!




Taking some data from experimental forest.
Today, me, my friends, and my adviser went to an experimental forest near campus. We took canopy cover data for my friend's research. I brought my camera and took a couple of pictures. Then, my adviser asked me if other Indonesian girls also have a blog. He also told my friends to read my blog, said that my blog is cool and have many beautiful pictures. He is so nice to say those things. I took some time for me to think and answered him.

Well, what he said was not exactly correct. I only wrote once or twice last year. As I grow older, I am not brave enough to write. I was scared people will judge me or think that I am too drama or overshared things or not write things beautifully. Maybe it is all true. Maybe it is not. Then, I remember those times when I just write all my thoughts without having anxiety, without thinking about what other people think. Who will read my blogs anyway, common Diny. Hahaha.

So here I am, coming back to my blog. I am writing in terrible English. I learned how to think in English now, so hopefully writing in English will gradually improve my writings. It felt so good to realize that at least I am getting better to face my own insecurities (and write things in English). The only thing that is important is me, learning to be better in everything that I could and not think about what other people think. Just try to enjoy what I love to do.

It is worth a try. So we'll see!


Ulang tahun di Flagstaff, Arizona, US. (Photo by Shafia)
Dua puluh tujuh tahun bukan waktu yang sebentar untuk belajar menjadi manusia. Waktu yang cukup untuk menjadi dewasa dan bertanggung jawab. Apakah saya sudah menjadi manusia yang cukup baik di umur 27 ini? Entahlah.

Orang bilang dua puluh tujuh tahun itu umur yang menyeramkan. Banyak orang-orang terkenal yang meninggal di umur ini. The 27 Club katanya. Kebanyakan karena over dosis atau bunuh diri. Serem ya.

Di umur 27, harusnya saya sudah cukup dewasa untuk mengambil keputusan dan bertanggung jawab atas apapun yang mau saya lakukan dalam kehidupan. Entah sudah siap dan bisa atau belum.

Tahun lalu di umur 26 sangat banyak hal besar yang terjadi dalam kehidupan saya.

Saya akhirnya mendapat beasiswa kuliah pasca-sarjana. Tinggal jauh dari keluarga. Menjalani mimpi yang selama ini hanya berada di angan-angan. Tinggal jauh dari zona nyaman yang tentu merubah segalanya.

Untuk pertama kalinya dalam hidup, saya belajar menggantungkan hidup pada diri sendiri. Sebagai anak super manja di rumah, tentu ini bukan halnya mudah buat saya. Saya banyak melihat dan belajar dari perempuan-perempuan tangguh di sini. Ternyata, hanya karena kamu perempuan, bukan berarti kamu bisa manja. Ternyata, hidup dengan diri sendiri tanpa bergantung pada orang lain itu bisa dilakukan.

Di tahun ini pula, untuk pertama kalinya saya patah hati. Patah sepatah-patahnya. Untuk pertama kalinya saya tidak percaya cinta. It's all bullshit, too painful, and pointless. Love is over-rated. 

Oleh karena itu, saya juga belajar kalau ternyata kita ini harus cukup dengan diri sendiri. Selama ini saya terlalu emotionally needy yang butuh orang lain atau seseorang untuk merasa cukup. Dan ketika betapapun yang sudah dilakukan ternyata belum cukup, rasanya sedih sekali. Saya harusnya cukup tanpa butuh pengakuan dari orang lain. Cukup dengan diri sendiri. Tapi itu gimana sih ya caranya. Saya juga ga tau. Harus belajar. Dan saya rasa menjadi cukup dengan diri sendiri itu butuh waktu. Ngga bisa tiba-tiba siap aja gitu. Sabar.

Makanya, di umur 27, saya mau melatih diri saya sendiri untuk lebih tangguh dalam bergantung pada diri sendiri. Saya mau bisa cukup sama diri sendiri, hidup dengan diri sendiri, bisa menyetir, bisa berenang, solo traveling, dan belajar bertanggung jawab.

Saya yakin, setiap orang punya prosesnya masing-masing. Kita ngga berhak untuk menghakimi proses orang lain. Kita juga ngga berhak menghakimi diri sendiri hanya karena punya proses berbeda dengan orang lain. Sibuklah sama proses diri sendiri. Menjadi orang yang lebih baik dari sebelumnya.

***

Selamat ulang tahun ke 27, Diny. People change, things go wrong, shit happend, but life goes on. Terima kasih sudah menjadi kamu.