Sunday, January 14, 2024

I went to a mall with my friends today. I saw a household goods store and suddenly had a realization. 

I used to like these things. I used to like grocery shopping, looking for household goods, choosing what's good for my home. And then, somehow I stopped liking those things after a huge heart break a couple years ago. I've been associating household activities with things that shattered my life.

My friend told me, some people like to remain living in the past because we are used to it. We are used to the sorrow and anger, so we remain here. Some other people even deliberately choosing decisions that contribute to their own unhappiness.

And then, here come rising my questions: am I staying in the past? Why am I so angry about some part of my life? Nobody preventing me for being a loving individual self who likes taking care of a household.

I realized I've been so angry about things in the past that don't suit me anymore in the present. 

If it's only being with me, is it not a good enough reason to take care of the house? Is it not a good enough reason to trust my own judgement? What am I angry for?

I remember the first time I stopped praying. It was when I felt so angry with god. I assumed, He took something that I thought was my biggest sources of happiness. I used to pray for very reason that it became an automatic thing I couldn't disassociate it with. So, I stopped religiously praying. 

Now, I feel like, it is so stupid. I actually and definitely able to make a new association easily. These associations are only on my head. I don't have to stuck with it. I can make a new association with my realities.

How on earth I thought I couldn't disassociate buying household goods and praying to God with things in the past? It sounds so silly. I am a person of my own. I can do it.

idk man. Maybe I've been doing great with all these associations. Maybe it's normal to associate things with other things or with our experiences. Maybe it is all are only data points. What are we going to do with it?

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