Berbicara yang baik kepada diri sendiri

journal

Berbicara yang baik kepada diri sendiri

May 08, 2019

A beautiful sunset a day before my thesis defense

Dua hari lalu seorang sahabat menanyakan kepada saya perihal blog post yang berjudul Things Keeps Me Sane. Salah satu pertanyaan yang dilontarkan adalah secara teknis, bagaimana berbicara yang baik kepada diri sendiri. Pertanyaan yang sangat menarik dan buat saya, ini bagian terpenting dari proses penyembuhan diri yang saya alami satu setengah tahun terakhir.

Saya jadi pengen cerita, kayak gimana sih maksudnya berbicara yang baik kepada diri sendiri..

Mendengarkan diri sendiri

Kita mesti lebih sadar tentang apa yang kita pikirkan terhadap suatu hal. Apakah pikiran itu negatif atau positif. Kadang kita mikir aja gitu tapi tanpa kesadaran bahwa kita berpikiran buruk. Kita bisa istirahat sejenak, fokus, dan identifikasi apa sih yang kita rasakan dan pikirkan. Ini mungkin hal pertama yang bisa kita lakukan. Menyadari apa yang kita pikirkan dan sadar bahwa pikiran buruk tidak baik untuk diri kita sendiri.

Identifikasi kekuatan diri

Dulu saya ini jahat banget ke diri saya sendiri. Saya jauh lebih tau apa kekurangan diri saya daripada kelebihannya. Lalu saya berproses untuk mengidentifikasi apa sih kelebihan-kelebihan yang saya punya. Ini proses yang ngga gampang buat saya, karena ya balik lagi, saya ngga terbiasa melihat hal baik dari diri saya sendiri. Setelah berproses, sekarang ini saya sudah bisa mengidentifikasi dan punya mantra buat diri sendiri, yaitu..

I am such a cool person. I have a good health. I almost get a master’s degree. I appreciate art, I can enjoy my time doing watercolor and my works are pretty beautiful! I am such a loving person. I have sooo many love that I want to share to my family and friends. I am highly compassionate, and I am proud of that. I really love my family and friends. I love taking care of them. I like to spend time with my close circles. When we had problems, I reached out to them. I am able to forgive and forget, which are hard, but I managed to do that most of the time. Those are cool and not so many people want to do that. I am able to do lots of things! I can play guitar a lil bit. I can cook great food. I am doing so many great things and I am wonderful. I like my hair. I like my skin. I like my clothes. My forehead is wide, but I love it. It showed my roots and looks good on me. I love my family. I love my best friends. I have sooo many dreams. I think I am complete as a person.

Hahaha ya gitulah. Bodo amat dibilang lebay.

Ada video keren tentang ini:

I literally did this. Hahaha.

Identifikasi masalah dan fokus ke solusi yang dapat dicapai

Contoh ya (dan ini beneran kejadian), misal pembimbing thesis saya bilang tulisan saya setara anak S1, bukan S2. Gampangnya, saya bilang ke diri saya:

Tuh kan Din. Sotoy sih pake S2 di luar negeri. Tulisan lo jelek. Masa gitu aja ga bisa sih. Banyak loh yang mau kuliah di luar negeri dan jauh lebih pinter dari lo. Lo tuh ga bersyukur banget ya udah kuliah di sini, tapi masih aja ga perform. Dodol banget. Otaknya dipake dong, jangan cuma diem aja. Gitu aja masa ngga bisa sih.

Dalam kehidupan nyata, mungkin banyak juga ya orang yang mikir kayak gitu kepada orang lain. Buat saya, kalo kamu punya temen yang suka ngomong jahat kayak gitu ke kamu, tinggalin atau jauhin. Nah apalagi ke diri sendiri kaan, jangan jahat. Jangan sampe pikiran racun diri kita sendiri menjatuhkan mental kita. Jadi waktu itu, saya bilang ke diri saya sendiri..

Diny, writing is hard, even for a native. They speak English for their whole life and still find it hard to write things. You made it here, which means you have qualities and super lucky. You can do better. You have skills. You just have to spend more time to write and rewrite, edit, edit, and edit. You got it Diny! You can do it. It won’t be easy, but you can do it. Just do it. You are capable of doing all of these.

Gitu aja terus sampe saya bisa fokus ke melakukan solusi, bukan ngatain diri saya sendiri.

Kasih hadiah kepada diri sendiri

Saya kalau pergi ke suatu tempat, pasti mikirnya: ih A pasti suka gadget ini deh, beli ah buat A; ini kan aroma favorit si B, beli ah essential oil buat B. Apakah pada saat yang sama saya berpikir tentang apa yang saya suka? Jarang. Pasti orang lain dulu yang kepikiran. Ketika ke toko buku, saya inget si C. Ke toko asesoris rambut, inget si D, beli buat mereka. Tapi kalau beli buat diri sendiri pasti bilangnya sayang ah uangnya.

Now I am trying to be a good friend to myself. Kalau saya mikir kesukaan orang lain, saya juga berpikir apa yang saya suka dari tempat ini. Kalau saya beli oleh-oleh buat teman, saya juga harus beli untuk diri saya sendiri. Kalau bisa ngga sayang uangnya untuk orang lain, kenapa ngga buat diri sendiri?

--

Ini contoh-contoh kecil yang sangat berarti buat saya. Bodo amat orang lain mikirnya saya sejelek apa, asalkan saya sayang sama diri saya sendiri, I will be able to do anything in this world.

Jangan biarkan pikiran kita sendiri mempengaruhi kita untuk hal negatif. Kita punya kontrol atas apa yang kita pikirkan. Kalau kita sudah terbisa menyayangi diri dengan berkata yang baik, kita akan bisa melakukan segalanya dan kita berhak merasakan/mendapatkan itu semua.

OK, now, say it with me..

I love my self. I am capable of things. I know who I am and I am enough.

--

Cheers for a beautiful journey!

Diny

xoxo

I did it!

S2

I did it!

May 08, 2019

After several months of struggling with my thesis, I finally passed my thesis defense!

My thesis defense was awesome. I started my day with Taylor Swift's new song, ME!. That song resonated with me as I embracing my individuality and having fun with my self. I took a shower while listening to 'Dance It Out' playlist from my Spotify. I danced and sang and jumped around. I wore dark blue kebaya, blue batik shirt, and a brooch. I had leftover Chinese food for breakfast, with a pinch of boncabe on the fried rice. After I had breakfast, my roommate helped me to blow-dry my hair. Then, I packed my stuff while waiting for a friend who will pick me up. I went to school at around 10 am.

Kebaya set that I choose last year.

The sun shines brightly. The blue skies and little cloud welcomed me to enjoyed that day. I arrived at school and met my advisor. He wore a blue shirt! We were color coordinated beautifully. I had lunch with him and my labmates. Then went to the defense room. I prepared my stuff while listening to some Indonesian traditional music. I am happy a lot of my friends come to the defense.

Me and Pete

The time has come. Pete introduced me, I was just standing in front of the audience with my wide smile. I can't help myself to smile. I am excited, nervous, and happy. Then, I started my presentation. I was a little nervous in the first part. Sometimes I forgot what to say. I took a breath, smiled, and talked again. Haha. I just can't help to smile when I messed up. I finished my presentation after maybe around 45 minutes as I planned. There were a couple of questions.

soo serious

After I finished my presentation, I took pictures with my friends. I went to room 102 for the defense. My committee member asked questions. There were several questions that I can't answer, but overall it went well. After two hours, they asked me to go out of the room. I waited for 5-10 minutes at the atrium. I wanted to go pee, but I don't want to go to the restroom before I passed my defense. After some time, Pete asked me to go back to room 102. He announced that I passed my defense!! Yay!! What a day!

Me and all my committee members

Me with IndoMafia and Lori

I was super duper stressful last semester. But, this semester I tried to enjoy it more. Sometimes, I felt hopeless and upset with my self. That's normal. Most of the time I really really enjoy the process. It was so much fun!

I feel like defense is a final party, to celebrate all the efforts I spent these past months. The party was a blast. I learned a lot of things, happy, and fulfilled.

I am proud of my self.

:)

Ulang tahun ke 28

travel

Ulang tahun ke 28

April 09, 2019

For the love of plants :)

Setelah berbulan-bulan pusing menulis, akhirnya thesis saya selesai juga! Walau belum sepenuhnya selesai sih, masih harus menunggu revisi dari 2 dosen pembimbing lainnya. Namun saya senang sekali, karena berhasil mengumpulkan draft thesis tepat satu hari sebelum hari ulang tahun saya! Saya jadi bisa merayakan ulang tahun dengan tenang. Yay!

Ulang tahun kali ini saya rayakan bersama teman-teman di Flagstaff. Saya masak masakan Indonesia dan mengumpulkan semua teman saya di sini. Ada 5 menu masakan: nasi kuning, rendang, dadar telur, tumis buncis wortel, dan tempe kecap. Semua untuk sekitar 20-25 orang. Ngga nyangka juga hampir semua teman dekat saya datang, mungkin sekitar 20 orang. Jadi ngga berasa lelah masak seharian. Hehe

Kami makan bareng dan ngobrol-ngobrol seru. Semua kenyang dan senang!

Oiya, makan-makan bareng ini saya bikin satu hari sebelum hari ulang tahun saya, yaitu hari Jumat. Setiap first Friday, downtown Flagstaff biasanya seru banyak pameran seni dan pertunjukan musik. Jadinya, habis makan-makan di rumah, kami pergi ke downtown untuk nonton live music di Monte Vista. Seru!

Esokan harinya, saya pergi ke toko pepohonan, Warner’s Nursery. Makin-makin rasa senengnya! Saya suka sekali pepohonan, tapi di sini saya ngga punya taman maupun tetumbuhan. Main ke nursery bikin kekangenan saya terhadap pepohanan terobati. Kado ulang tahun yang sangat menyenangkan!

Indoor plants section

Nursery ini relatif besar. Mereka mengelompokkan pepohonan berdasarkan cara mengurus tanamannya. Ada tanaman indoor, pot-pot gemes, bebijian, tanaman yang butuh naungan, tanaman yang butuh sinar matahari langsung, berbagai pinus, dan tumbuhan buah-buahan. Bahkan mereka punya ruangan khusus untuk workshop dan juga kafe kecil. Jadi pengen deh punya toko tanaman kayak begini! Bagus banget.

Favorit saya bagian indoor plants. Soalnya banyak tanaman yang dulu saya tanam di rumah. Terus ada yang lucu, mereka jualan putri malu loh! Hahaha padahal di Indonesia, putri malu kan jadi hama.

Selain itu, tentunya bebungaan yang super cantik. Warnanya beragam sekali. Walau biasanya bebunganan gini tumbuhnya sebentar. Paling pas musim semi dan musim panas aja. Tapi tetep gemes banget dong tentunyaa!

jualan tanaman putri malu juga dong haha

bebungaan penuh warna

I be-leaf in your gardening abilities.

Ih pokoknya nanti kalau sudah balik pulang ke Indonesia, saya mau banget berkebun lagi.

Sekian cerita perayaan ulang tahun yang sederhana dan santai tapi sangat bermakna buat saya. Berkumpul dengan teman-teman dan bermain dengan tetumbuhan. Senangnya <3

I am grateful

journal

I am grateful

March 31, 2019

I am grateful for having the power to decide what kind of life I really want. It is such a privilege to be able to genuinely honest with my self about what I want and what I feel.

It is cool to let myself feels whatever feelings that I have, without any pretension to anyone. 

I am grateful that I could let my self be vulnerable, but still know my limits. I still have my head above water, most of the time. I am okay with the fact that I cannot have all the things I wanted to have. 

I am now kind of understand, other people's feeling is not my responsibility. Some people may hate me or unhappy with me, I will still be me and care about them as long as I want. 

I am so grateful I have a great circle of kind people who always remind me that I have a good life and what other people's said will not define me as a person. I am the one who defines my own self. And I am thankful for those. 

I know it won't be easy all the time. There will be ups and down. There will be hard times. There will be good times. That is how life should be. 

I am grateful for life.

Things that keep me sane

journal

Things that keep me sane

December 21, 2018

Things will get better, and the sunshine will come again.

I can't believe it is almost the end of 2018.

This year has been a very hard year for me. I experienced rough moments that made me lose my way and lose my identity. At some point this year, I didn't even know who I am anymore. What I really want in this life, why I am here right now, where I want to go in the future. I just don't know.

However, thankfully, I managed to get better. I realized even though this year was hard, I have the best year to learn the most essential thing in my life: my self! I got hurt, I was broken, but I get up, stand strong, and survive.

So, I will write down things that keep me sane this year. Things that I learned in a hard way. I hope if I go through a tough phase again in the future, I could reread this post and know what should I do. Here they are..

1. Know and love my self better
It has always been easier for me to look at other people's strengths because basically, I like people. They are all good and kind and have some interesting part of their life. My friend said it was naive, as I only see the good thing and reject to see the negative part. In contrast, I didn't have the same perspective to myself. Sometimes I forget why I am a good person in general.
So, what keeps me sane? First thing first, I changed my viewpoint to my self. I focused on good things within my life, my attitude, my action, and my thought. I acknowledge the bad thing, but I keep in mind that I will work on it one by one and it is totally normal to have flaws or make mistakes. It makes us human. I learn to love my self better because it is the only way to keep me sane and moving on to be a better human.

2. Listen to cool music
I've never been a good music listener until this year. Well, even until now, I'm still kinda music illiterate. Haha. Nevertheless, this year I listen to music more than I used to be. I usually listen to acoustic, ballads, lo-fi, upbeat, or random song which have beautiful lyrics. So I can stop listening to all of the demons in my head. Those demons keep running on and on and on. I really really hated it. The music keeps my head busy and I could run away from those demons.

3. Writing my thoughts
In another time when music didn't help, I wrote down things that keep buzzing my head. I wrote down everything, even a tiny details. I wrote it in a book or sometimes on my phone. It feels so good to let out the negative thoughts from my mind. It feels great too to write positive minds for my self. When I had a better day, I will look back and reread things that I wrote. It does help to know if I am getting better or not. Somehow I could look at my own progress and see how things could get better over the time.

4. Talking to best friends
I am lucky enough to have best friends who are only a phone call away. Some of them live far away, some of them are around. Sometimes when I feel down, I texted them or call them. I remember one time, I had a terrible night. I knew I could get a major panic attack if I didn't do something. So, I called my best friend right away and talked to her for almost 1.5 hours. She keeps me alive. I didn't have a panic attack that night, which was great. The other day, I felt so down without knowing why. I let my best friend know then he took me home. We had a random weird talk, laughing together about silly stuff, and eating together. Then, voila! Things got better.

5. Talk nicely to my self
We tend to be harder for our own self. We criticized our self to some point where we will never do it to other people. I try to change it. I try to be there for my self. Encourage my self. Be a loving partner for my thought. I try to change "I can't handle this" into "You got it!", or "I can't keep up" into "I know it is hard for me but I am trying my best and work hard for it". Something like that.

6. Let my self felling a hard time
Sometimes when I had a mental breakdown phase, I just let my self feel everything. I think it helped me to let out all my emotions. I let it go by opening the door for it. I cried. I froze like a zombie. I didn't talk to everyone. I didn't do anything. I just feel what I feel like I want to do. After the phase passed, I suddenly get better! But, I prefer to avoid factors that could lead me into breakdowns then to experience breakdown itself. Mental breakdown is very weird and sucks! I don't like it at all.

7. Give my self-space from negative or judgmental people
There are certain people who will always point out the flaws in you. Whatever you say, whatever you do, they will know the bad side of your life. I try to love myself enough to let go this kind of people. I already have demons in my head, I don't need to add bad things to my self. Bye!

8. Get a sleeping routine
I work more effectively and efficiently during the day when the sunlight is still around. For me, night time is much harder than during the day. Then, I set my sleeping schedule. I always try to be in my bed around 9 pm and sleep around 10 pm. I woke up around 5 or 6 am in the morning. At least, I could get 7-8 hours of sleep per night. I read it somewhere, when we go through a hard phase, it is good to have a good night sleep. Also, I better sleep tight than having a mental breakdown! Hahaha.

9. Getting professional help
At the end of this year, I finally decided to seek professional help. It wasn't as easy as I thought tho. The clinic on campus was fully booked until the semester ends. The counselor outside campus either can't accept my health insurance or can't accept a new patient. So, even though I have a will to seek professional help, it is not as easy as it seems. In the end, I got an appointment with the counselor on campus and I felt much better after I talked to them.

***

Being at an unfortunate time in your life is not easy at all. And people take it differently. Some people may get hit harder than other people. It is totally okay to have a hard time and struggling with it. Feel it. Let yourself know how it feels like. Then, let yourself heal. You deserve to be better and get better. It may take time, but as long as you are trying, you are great!

I hope you are always healthy inside out, but if you are not, I hope you let yourself heal and get better.

Cheers to good things in life!

xoxo

Love your self

journal

Love your self

November 19, 2018

March, 2018

Since I was a little kid, I was well known as a clumsy child. Every time I borrow something from my parents, most likely it will be broken or missing.

I thought that phase was over after I got married. I started to make sure I wont lose my keys, try to clean up my own mess, and get things done. I felt like at some point I became a better person who never loses house keys and can take care of my stuff.

Apparently, that is only the fake Diny. I am still clumsy Diny who easily to broke things. Everything is just another failure. I am a mess.

My friend said this phase will pass. I will be OK. I am doing great. Sooner or later everything will be better.

---

November, 2018

Wow wow wow, that was tough. How broken you were, lady. But hey, you're still here stand strong. Yes, you will be okay darling. You're as strong as you are. Now you grow older and hopefully wiser, you can handle all of your problems. Even if you're not, your family and friends will always be there for you. Always.

If you make a decision that you think will be best for you and your condition, don't feel bad about it. It is you that is important in your life. Think about your feeling first, before you think about someone else's feeling. Nobody can save yourself accept you. From now and then, learn to count on your self. You should be there for yourself. Even if anybody else says they could be there for you, but you need you, not them. Don't run from yourself. Love yourself better, before you love somebody else.

You got this!

Hello again!

journal

Hello again!

November 18, 2018

Taking some data from experimental forest.

Today, me, my friends, and my adviser went to an experimental forest near campus. We took canopy cover data for my friend's research. I brought my camera and took a couple of pictures. Then, my adviser asked me if other Indonesian girls also have a blog. He also told my friends to read my blog, said that my blog is cool and have many beautiful pictures. He is so nice to say those things. I took some time for me to think and answered him.

Well, what he said was not exactly correct. I only wrote once or twice last year. As I grow older, I am not brave enough to write. I was scared people will judge me or think that I am too drama or overshared things or not write things beautifully. Maybe it is all true. Maybe it is not. Then, I remember those times when I just write all my thoughts without having anxiety, without thinking about what other people think. Who will read my blogs anyway, common Diny. Hahaha.

So here I am, coming back to my blog. I am writing in terrible English. I learned how to think in English now, so hopefully writing in English will gradually improve my writings. It felt so good to realize that at least I am getting better to face my own insecurities (and write things in English). The only thing that is important is me, learning to be better in everything that I could and not think about what other people think. Just try to enjoy what I love to do.

It is worth a try. So we'll see!

27 Tahun

birthday - journal

27 Tahun

April 09, 2018

Ulang tahun di Flagstaff, Arizona, US. (Photo by Shafia)

Dua puluh tujuh tahun bukan waktu yang sebentar untuk belajar menjadi manusia. Waktu yang cukup untuk menjadi dewasa dan bertanggung jawab. Apakah saya sudah menjadi manusia yang cukup baik di umur 27 ini? Entahlah.

Orang bilang dua puluh tujuh tahun itu umur yang menyeramkan. Banyak orang-orang terkenal yang meninggal di umur ini. The 27 Club katanya. Kebanyakan karena over dosis atau bunuh diri. Serem ya.

Di umur 27, harusnya saya sudah cukup dewasa untuk mengambil keputusan dan bertanggung jawab atas apapun yang mau saya lakukan dalam kehidupan. Entah sudah siap dan bisa atau belum.

Tahun lalu di umur 26 sangat banyak hal besar yang terjadi dalam kehidupan saya.

Saya akhirnya mendapat beasiswa kuliah pasca-sarjana. Tinggal jauh dari keluarga. Menjalani mimpi yang selama ini hanya berada di angan-angan. Tinggal jauh dari zona nyaman yang tentu merubah segalanya.

Untuk pertama kalinya dalam hidup, saya belajar menggantungkan hidup pada diri sendiri. Sebagai anak super manja di rumah, tentu ini bukan halnya mudah buat saya. Saya banyak melihat dan belajar dari perempuan-perempuan tangguh di sini. Ternyata, hanya karena kamu perempuan, bukan berarti kamu bisa manja. Ternyata, hidup dengan diri sendiri tanpa bergantung pada orang lain itu bisa dilakukan.

Di tahun ini pula, untuk pertama kalinya saya patah hati. Patah sepatah-patahnya. Untuk pertama kalinya saya tidak percaya cinta. It's all bullshit, too painful, and pointless. Love is over-rated. 

Oleh karena itu, saya juga belajar kalau ternyata kita ini harus cukup dengan diri sendiri. Selama ini saya terlalu emotionally needy yang butuh orang lain atau seseorang untuk merasa cukup. Dan ketika betapapun yang sudah dilakukan ternyata belum cukup, rasanya sedih sekali. Saya harusnya cukup tanpa butuh pengakuan dari orang lain. Cukup dengan diri sendiri. Tapi itu gimana sih ya caranya. Saya juga ga tau. Harus belajar. Dan saya rasa menjadi cukup dengan diri sendiri itu butuh waktu. Ngga bisa tiba-tiba siap aja gitu. Sabar.

Makanya, di umur 27, saya mau melatih diri saya sendiri untuk lebih tangguh dalam bergantung pada diri sendiri. Saya mau bisa cukup sama diri sendiri, hidup dengan diri sendiri, bisa menyetir, bisa berenang, solo traveling, dan belajar bertanggung jawab.

Saya yakin, setiap orang punya prosesnya masing-masing. Kita ngga berhak untuk menghakimi proses orang lain. Kita juga ngga berhak menghakimi diri sendiri hanya karena punya proses berbeda dengan orang lain. Sibuklah sama proses diri sendiri. Menjadi orang yang lebih baik dari sebelumnya.

***

Selamat ulang tahun ke 27, Diny. People change, things go wrong, shit happend, but life goes on. Terima kasih sudah menjadi kamu. 

Young Dumb & Broke

journal

Young Dumb & Broke

March 15, 2018

Senja di Flagstaff

Suatu sore beberapa hari yang lalu, saya jalan-jalan ke danau dekat rumah. Teman saya memancing, saya nontonin awan-awan, bebek, dan pohon yang melambai-lambai. Sepanjang sore itu, lagu Young Dumb Broke -nya Khalid selalu diputar berkali-kali. Sampai nempel di kepala dan bikin saya muak.

Lalu tadi sore, saya jalan sendirian menuju halte bus. Lagu itu tiba-tiba kembali melintas di pikiran saya. Saya jadi kepikiran, enak juga ya waktu masanya young, dumb, and broke. Masih muda, walau ngga punya uang tapi bisa senang-senang menikmati hidup. Bebas berekspresi tanpa pretensi. Hidup pada momennya. Betapa pun jahatnya hidup, selalu ada cinta yang akan diberikan.

I can not give you everything, you know I wish I could
I'm so high at the moment
I'm so caught up in this
Yeah, we're just young, dumb and broke
But we still got love to give

Yaa.. Itu lagu cocoknya untuk anak-anak remaja, bukan lagi untuk perempuan muda hampir 30 tahunan kayak saya ini. Kalau udah seumur saya ini harusnya udah mikirin yang riil ya. Tabungan, cicilan rumah, biaya kehidupan buat enam bulan ke depan, investasi ini itu, dan segala macam hal-hal yang harusnya dipikirkan orang dewasa.

Namun, di sinilah saya, masih berasa young, dumb, broke high school kids.

Bukannya tegar dan kuat layaknya orang dewasa menjalani hidup, malah dikit-dikit menangis atau mengeluh kalau ada kesulitan atau kendala. Terlalu bodoh untuk menyelesaikan masalah-masalah orang dewasa yang tak ada habisnya. Bukannya menabung untuk kehidupan masa depan, malah keseringan main sama teman-teman atau makan di restoran enak. Young dumb broke high school kids.

Gimana rasanya sih jadi orang dewasa?

Segalanya logistik dihitung, tapi hati kosong. Apa enaknya hidup tanpa penuh rasa. Segalanya dihitung, diukur, direncanakan, tanpa memberikan ruang untuk bersenang-senang. Tidak ada spontanitas dan keluwesan saat jalankan hidup. Apa enaknya hidup penuh perhitungan, lalu marah ketika kenyataan tak sejalan dengan harapan?

Barangkali ini fase dimana saya sadar bahwa saya masih menyangkal kalau sudah saatnya menjadi dewasa. Di umur segini, masih mau senang-senang aja. Orang bilang, telat ah. Udah tua masih bocah. Tapi rasanya lelah sekali ya kalau harus hidup dengan standar orang lain hanya untuk membuat orang lain senang. Ketika semua dijalankan dengan apa adanya diri tanpa harus pretensi, kok jadi luwes sekali ya hidup. Yaa, mungkin proses kedewasaan setiap orang itu berbeda-beda dan ngga bisa dipaksakan. Ya ngga sih?

Ngga tau ah.. Pusing mikirin hidup, mari kita dansa!

Ternyata saya takut anjing

jurnal

Ternyata saya takut anjing

November 12, 2017

Minggu lalu saya datang ke acara kumpul-kumpul anak kampus. Acaranya diadakan di rumah teman sekelas saya. Sebenarnya saya malas banget datang. Saya habis belanja sampai 4 jam dan pegel banget kakinya. Teman sekamar saya dan teman-teman Indonesia lainnya juga pada malas ikut. Masalahnya, panitianya teman baik saya di lab dan dia udah semangat banget ngurusin acara ini. Saya jadi ngga enak kalau ngga dateng. Ditambah lagi sudah janji mau bawa makanan, chips and dips, menu wajib party nya orang sini.

Yaudah lah, saya mutusin untuk datang (kalau ada yang bisa jemput). Saya sms temen, minta dijemput. Eeh dia bisa jemput. Alahmdulillah deh, saya ngga usah kedinginan nunggu bis di halte yang gelap. Tema party kali ini disco party. Saya ngga punya baju disko. Akhirnya saya pakai aja satu-satunya baju warna mencolok, dress bali warna kuning motif bunga-bunga pink. Dikombinasi dengan kerudung warna shocking pink dan syal kuning punya teman sekamar. Ngga tau deh itu disko apa ngga. Hahaha bodo deh ya yang penting usaha dan dateng.

Satu jam kemudian, teman saya jemput. Kami pergi lah menuju lokasi party. Sebelum ke sana, temen saya yang kalau akhir pekan pasti minum alkohol itu, mau beli alkohol dulu. Jadilah kami pergi ke toko alkohol, dia beli minuman, saya liat-liat tokonya. Ternyata minuman alkohol itu banyak banget ya jenisnya. Saya baru tau. Hahaha! Sudahlah dia selesai beli alkohol, kami jemput satu temen lagi. Habis itu beli alkohol lagi. Ginilah kalau akhir pekan. Maunya pada minum alkohol katanya biar loose gitu habis pusing seminggu kerja keras.

Kalau saya kan kerjanya ga keras-keras banget ya, jadi ngga minum minuman keras tetep bisa survive. Hahaha apaan sih. Sudah selesai beli alkohol, kami meluncur ke rumah kawan yang jadi lokasi party.

Nah di sinilah masalahnya terjadi. Saya ngga kepikiran kalau si pemilik rumah punya anjing, dua, gede-gede lagi. Terus teman yang lain juga ada yang bawa anjing satu, gede juga. Jengjeng. Saya langsung parno dong. Ternyata saya segitu takutnya sama anjing. Sebenernya sih anjing di sini tuh pada bisa bersikap ya. Baik-baik, ramah (?), ngga galak, dan gemes lucu gitu. Cuma entah kenapa saya takut banget gitu sama anjing. Untung temen saya pada pengertian banget, jadi anjingnya ditaruh di luar.

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Saya jadi ngga enak banget sama yang punya rumah. Pengennya tuh pestanya bisa buat manusia dan anjing gitu. Gara-gara saya takut sama anjing jadinya anjingnya ga ikutan pesta deh. Huuft. Saya pun ditanya kenapa takut anjing. Yang ada dipikiran saya, karena kalo dijilat kan mesti dibersihin pakai pasir dan rempong banget. Jadinya males aja kalau dijilat.

Setelah saya pikir-pikir lagi, kayaknya alasan utamanya bukan itu ya. Kalau takut dijilat aja kan bisa menghindari bagian mulutnya aja. Tapi saya setakut itu. Mana anjingnya saking ramahnya kan dia maunya kenalan sama tamu yaa. Cium-cium kaki. Halo-halo in. Sedangkan saya ketakutan, ngumpet di balik badan teman. Panik sendiri, malu-maluin. Hahaha.

Pulang dari party, saya masih kepikiran kenapa saya takut anjing. Kalau di Indonesia kan jarang ketemu, jadi ngga berasa takutnya. Di sini dimana-mana orang bawa anjing. Terus temen-temen di sini heran, kenapa kok bisa ada orang ngga suka sama anjing. Anjing kan lucu baik, setia kawan gitu. 

Kayaknya ini semua berawal dari dikejar-kejar anjing galak waktu masih SD. Waktu ngajar juga sering banget ketemu anjing galak yang berkeliaran di jalan. Gonggong agresif sambil marah gitu. Kan aing takut digigit ya. Hahahaha

Yah gimana dong yah yang namanya udah takut dulu jadinya gitu. Jadi pengen belajar ngga takut anjing deh. Gimana ya caranya hahaha

Demikian sekelumit permasalahan receh saya di sini. Sampai ketemu di cerita selanjutnya! 😅